Devin's Porter

Either gather 1.75 gallons of water, run it through the brita, or buy it. Tap water should be ok, but if you use tap, let it sit out over night so that it off-gasses the chlorine.

Also have on hand:
-1 cup cold water
-1 cup Hot water (boil before heating the strike water - the mash water)
-2 big bags of ice.
-Starsan or Iodophor sanitiser, properly diluted as per instructions.

Add some sanitizer to a small bucket as well as your fermentation vessel/jug.

Take your smack pack of yeast out of the fridge and, following the instructions, smack it good and hard. Put it aside to do it's thing while you brew.

Mash water needed: .75 gallons
Sparge/wash water needed: 1.5 gallons

Bring the .75 gallons up to 165 degrees.
Mash in (add the grains) and mix REALLY well.
Check temp and adjust with hot or cold water as required. A half a cup of either will be good to raise the temp a couple degrees, so add at like .5 cup at a time, mix, and check temp. You really just want to be within +/- 2 degrees of the prescribed temp, don't worry.

Let that sit for 1 hour. Check temps every so often and turn the burner on as required to keep the mash at temp. Be sure to stir when heating to make sure you don't char any of the grains.

While it is mashing, at around the 40 minute mark, start to heat up the additional 1 gallons of "sparge" water to like 190 or so.

Place your strainer on the other pot and slowly pour the mash into it to collect the grains. Do this twice or three times, pouring the wort over the grains. Here you are trying to limit the amount of grain material that is in the wort. You want it to be relatively free of "stuff".

Don't forget to grab a couple ounces, add some whiskey, and have yourself a hot scotchy!

Alternatively, you could research "BIAB" or Boil in a Bag. This will help tremendously with controlling your grains. Seriously, check it out.

Slowwwwly pour your sparge water over the grains in the strainer to collect your final volume. You should collect about 1.5 gallons of wort.

Boil that biatch. Don't use a lid. BE CAREFUL of boil over, at least at first, make sure you watch it for the rising bubbles. When you see it, just take the pot off that burner and stir a bit. Reduce the heat slightly, then put the pot back on the burner. Once you get a nice steady boil without rising bubbles, you are good to go and you can start your 60 minute timer.

Add the hops as indicated.
Bear in mind: 30 minutes indicates 30 minutes REMAINING in the boil. Same goes for 5 minutes or zero minutes. This one's easy because it's all at either 30 or 0. I just want to be clear that 0 means at the end, as you are turning off the burner, add the hops and give them a stir.

After the boil, fill the sink with cold water, place the pot in the cold water, and add the ice. Try not to get any of the ice or water in the wort as it cools.

EVERYTHING FROM THIS POINT ON MUST BE SANITIZED.

Using your sanitized thermometer, check the temperature of the wort until it drops to around 70 F.

Add the wort to the sanitized jug, top up with cold bottled water if required, and shake like the devil himself. Careful not to spill, and be sure that your hand is sanitized. Don't exceed the 1 gallon mark.

Cut the top off of the yeast pack, pitch the yeast, and add the stopper and properly prepared blow off tube.

Place in a cool area for your two week fermentation then bottle as usual. I would suggest adding 1.5 tablespoons of granulated sugar to like half a cup of water, bring to a boil for like 5 minutes to make sure it's fully mixed. Let it cool for a bit, then add to the sanitized pot you'll be using for bottling as you are racking your beer from the fermenter into the pot.
Bottle as usual.

Notes:
If you need to substitute the yeast. You can use Safale S-04. But try to get the Scottish Ale Yeast, it gives a great malt character to the beer.

If you need to, you can substitute the grains for similar ones. The brew shops should be able to help you with proper substitutions.

When you drink a beer, try to wash the bottle right after. Better yet, pour the beer into a nice glass, and wash the bottle immediately. This will make storage easier and will help ensure no nasty things grow and potentially ruin your beer in the bottles.

Have fun and remember the homebrew slogan:
RDWHAHB
Relax, Don't worry, Have a Home Brew.